Healthy marriages make daily choices to view their spouse and their marriage in a positive way—even in their differences, even with the hurts, and even through the everyday frustrations.
Granted, living with another imperfect person 24/7 doesn’t always set you up to have a positive mindset. That’s why we must choose how we view our spouse.
Choosing to see your spouse and marriage positively isn’t a utopian fantasy or a rose-colored glasses type of thing. Rather, it requires a daily decision to practice seeing your spouse the way God sees them. When you make a daily habit of seeing your spouse as an amazing creation of God, your perspective of both your spouse and your marriage will begin to change for the better.
It simply requires repetition and practice.
Note: Please know we’re not referring to being positive in big areas like abuse, infidelity, or harmful situations. Absolutely not. You need to see those for what they are and get help.
Take a moment to read Philippians 4:8:
Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any moral excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy—dwell on these things.
This is such a helpful scripture to challenge you to start thinking more positively about your spouse and your marriage. We refer to this as the “4:8 Principle.” Choose one or two words from the list in Philippians 4:8 to speak over your spouse. For example, “Cathy, you are lovely in every way. People who know you love you. They love the way you make them feel, and they love the person you are… as do I. You are lovely.” Or, “Doug, you are true. You are true to yourself, you are true to others, you are true on-stage and off-stage. I love how consistent you are. You are true.”
The goal is to use one of the value-words from this selected Scripture and not just “think about these things”, but say them as well:
“You are lovely because of the compassion I see you showing to others.”
“You are admirable in the way you show determination in the face of adversity.”
- Face each other and speak positive words directly to one another. Use present tense (i.e. “You are . . .”).
- Think more deeply than what your spouse does or the roles they play. For example, avoid, “You’re a great Mom/Dad!” While that may be true, focus instead on the quality of your spouse’s heart and what makes them who they are.
Take a moment to think about what you want to say to your spouse. Write down a keyword and a note. Then, spend a minute speaking positivity and encouragement to each other. It doesn’t have to be long. It can be short like our examples above. If it feels awkward, that’s OK. Everyone starts somewhere. Practice makes progress. As you hear your spouse’s words spoken to you, simply say, “Thank you!” This isn’t the time to get defensive (“I’m not that way”) or offensive (“Then why don’t you say that more often!?”). “Thank you for those words” is the perfect response.
Now, using the list below, start crafting an “Honor List'' that describes your spouse. Spend a few minutes writing a list of the qualities your spouse possesses. What are some of the key words that describe what makes them honorable? Keep adding to your list as you think of them.
For example, here’s just a few I (Doug) wrote about Cathy (trust me, my list is a lot longer than this, but I’ve minimized it for sake of illustration):
Cathy—you are worthy of honor because:
- You are calm.
- You love our kids so deeply.
- You love Jesus.
- You are secure and don’t try to prove yourself.
- You are adventurous.
- You are present.
- You are fun to be with.
- You are willing to do what you don't want to do for the sake of others.
Here are some positive prompters to help you get started with your Honor List. After a few minutes, read your lists to each other.
Accepting • Caring • Kind • Trustworthy • Valuing
Compassionate • Respectful • Relaxed • Empathetic • Patient
Nurturing • Giving • Present • Merciful • Positive
Energetic • Engaging • Gentle • Honest • Self-controlled
Supportive • Open • Settled • Humble • Forgiving
Vulnerable • Welcoming • Responsible • Loving • Joyful
Hopeful • Peaceful • Great • Listener • Reliable • Transparent
Encouraging • Intimate • Seeks good • Inclusive
Why go through this exercise? Because healthy marriages recognize the positive qualities of each spouse and regularly speak words of affirmation into one another. Affirmation is part of a positive marriage script. Plus, when you revisit this list (especially during tension), you’ll be reminded of all the many things you value within your spouse.
Choose to be positive! Come up with a plan to regularly communicate positive encouragement and enhance your one-heart. You may need to establish some reminders that will help you turn this into a habit (i.e. put a reminder on a calendar, read them to yourself on the way home from work to be reminded of who you’re coming home to, etc.). The goal is to make it a part of your regular connection with one another.
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This article is an excerpt from the A Better Us study from Doug and Cathy Fields. Click here for a free download of the full first week of the study.