In marriage, there is a certain balance when it comes to being comfortable with one another. On the one hand, you don’t want to be constantly worried about awkward silence, passing gas, or morning breath. On the other hand, comfort can become a license to do and say whatever you want.
That’s why developing a depth of kindness toward one another is one of the primary keys to maintaining a healthy type of comfort.
Many marriages struggle because couples, in their comfort, aren’t kind to one another. To be clear, “kindness” isn’t just being nice. Kindness is more potent, powerful, life-altering, and action-oriented. It requires something deeper and more intentional than just being nice. The good news is that anyone can practice kindness and, eventually, become adept at it. You just have to train your “kindness muscle” for the benefit of your spouse. Here are some ways to do that:
Turn Toward Your Spouse. One example of an intentional act of kindness is turning toward your spouse rather than away from him or her. That turning can be either physical or emotional, and many times it’s both. If something is a big deal to your spouse, make it a big deal for you, too. For example, a husband might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful moon tonight!” He’s not just commenting on the moon; he’s asking for an interested or supportive response from his wife. The husband thought the moon was important enough to bring up in conversation, so the question becomes whether his wife will show interest and support her husband, ignore him, or belittle him (i.e. “Who cares about the moon? What are you, an astronomer?”).
Scan for Appreciation. Another way to show kindness is looking for ways to show appreciation instead of constantly scanning for behavior or mistakes to criticize. A kind spouse assumes the best and looks for positive ways to encourage and voice appreciation, even in conflict. Not always, but quite often, when you’re frustrated, your spouse may be trying to do the right thing, even if it’s executed poorly. So why not assume the best and show your appreciation of the intent with a softer, kinder response?
Argue Differently. Kindness doesn’t mean that you don’t express your disappointment or anger. Instead, kindness drives how you express these emotions.
- Explain why you’re hurt or angry instead of blaming your spouse for your feelings.
- Conversely, acknowledge your spouse’s feelings when he or she is hurt or angry and try to understand those feelings rather than lashing out in defense.
- Assume the best. For example: “I’m sure you’ve got a legitimate reason, but I feel disappointed and disrespected that you’re late again.”
If you want to have a stable, healthy relationship, exercise kindness early and often. Kindness creates an emotional connection for couples by making spouses feel cared for, understood, and validated. Kindness, in other words, makes your spouse feel loved.
Showing kindness can be summarized by loving your spouse with your attitude, words, and actions. Look for ways to enjoy and connect with your spouse, give them the benefit of the doubt, affirm them with words, and show kindness with your actions.
The best way to exercise your kindness muscle is to start conditioning it and practicing, so here’s your challenge: On most days (if not every day), find a way to do one small act of kindness for your spouse.
Even small acts will go a long way toward showing acts of kindness, and they will serve to strengthen your kindness muscle. Also, these acts of kindness are probably going to change over time. Each season of life brings its own set of challenges, so each season presents unique opportunities for new displays of kindness.
Even if kindness feels forced at first, God’s Spirit will meet you as you move toward your spouse. You’re taking a step of faith to love your spouse with kindness, and God responds to faith. He will use your act of faith to begin to change the desires of your heart.
----------
This article is adapted from the A Better Us study from Doug and Cathy Fields. Click here for a free download of the full first week of the study.