"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
If you're a fan of "The Princess Bride," you'll recognize this iconic line from Inigo Montoya. While it's a humorous moment in the film, it also carries a profound truth that we, as disciple-makers, often encounter in our ministry.
How often have you sat with someone, listening to their words, but sensing that there's more beneath the surface? It's like we're playing a game of verbal fencing, dancing around the real issue without ever quite touching it.
In his book Pastor as Minor Poet, Craig Barnes discusses the conversation that happens under the conversation. It's a fascinating concept that resonates deeply with anyone who's spent time in pastoral care or discipleship. Often, the thing being presented is not the thing that really needs to be talked about.
Let's be honest for a moment. As leaders, we often find ourselves in situations where we're expected to have all the answers. But here's the truth: sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is to ask the right questions and listen deeply.
Consider this scenario: A young adult in your church approaches you, frustrated about their lack of spiritual growth. They tell you they've tried everything--Bible studies, prayer groups, even fasting - but nothing seems to work. On the surface, it might seem like a simple case of spiritual disciplines not yet yielding results. But what if there's more to it?
This is where the art of listening to the conversation under the conversation comes into play. Perhaps this person's frustration isn't really about spiritual disciplines at all. Maybe it's about feeling inadequate compared to their peers, or struggling with doubts they're afraid to voice, or even dealing with unresolved issues from their past that are hindering their spiritual journey.
As disciple-makers, our job isn't just to provide quick fixes or pat answers. It's to create a safe space where people can explore what's really going on in their hearts and minds. It's about helping them uncover the real questions they're grappling with, even if they don't know how to articulate them yet.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "That sounds great in theory, but how do we actually do this in practice?" Fair question! Here are a few tips that I've found helpful in navigating these waters:
1. Practice engaged listening: This means more than just hearing words. It involves paying attention to tone, body language, and what's not being said. This is different from active listening. I can actively listen, and only care about my outcome. Or I can engage with you, your heart, and what the Spirit is doing. You might be surprised at how often this leads to clarification and deeper sharing.
2. Ask open-ended questions: Instead of questions that can be answered with a simple yes or no, try asking questions that invite reflection and elaboration. For example, instead of "Are you frustrated with your prayer life?", try "How would you describe your current relationship with God?"
3. ‘We Listen and We Don’t Judge’: This is more than a Tik-Tok trend. It's crucial that the people we're discipling feel safe to express their true thoughts and feelings without fear of condemnation. This might mean suspending our own assumptions and biases, and being willing to sit with discomfort or uncertainty.
Remember, friends, that as disciple-makers, we're not called to have all the answers. We're called to walk alongside others, pointing them towards Jesus and helping them discover the truth He has for their lives. Sometimes, that means being comfortable with silence, with not knowing, with simply being present.
Ultimately, our goal isn't to win arguments or prove points. It's to help people encounter the living God in the midst of their real, messy lives. And often, that happens not in the words we say, but in the spaces between - in the conversations under the conversations.
So the next time you find yourself in a discipleship conversation that feels like it's going in circles, take a deep breath. Remember Inigo Montoya, and consider that maybe, just maybe, the words being used don't mean quite what you (or the person you're talking to) think they mean. And in that realization, you might just find the key to unlock a deeper, more transformative conversation.
After all, isn't that what discipleship is all about? Not just exchanging information, but facilitating transformation. And sometimes, that starts with simply learning to listen well.
----------
By Grant Hickman, Rooted Network Coach